I got bored in the checkout line at Kroger yesterday. So I grabbed a magazine off the rack. InStyle, June edition. Sandra Bullock was on the cover. I like style, and I like Sandra Bullock. She’s kinda badass, so I tossed it onto the conveyor belt before I had time to let my “this is all photoshopped/frivolous madness” intellectual side stop me. The other side won. Yes, I played with Barbies. Had the townhouse, yacht and corvette to prove it.
Post sunrise beach walk today, however, I wanted my money back. And to put the mag back on the rack. Backwards. Because mid-flip through, before reaching the Bullock story, I landed on SUIT Yourself. Stock up on SPF and Dive Into the Latest Swim Trends.
Initially, all looked great. Surfer Girl featured lotsa Cali-cute prints, clever straps and colors I liked. And if I wanted to go all sophisticated in the sand, Ms. Saint Tropez offered up chic stripes and gold embellishment. Things were going well until I pulled out my reading glasses to check the brand of a killer Boho girl tankini I liked. And dammit anyway, that shitty summer trend that never fails to die sprang forth off the page:
Hides Muffin Top!
In fine print, but strong enough to kill the buzz on several suits I considered perfect for my next beach walk, were conditions associated with each. No body was spared. Short legs? Stick to the ribcage-high cut one piece. Lesser endowed? We’ve got an underwire booster top for you.
I think my first head-scratching experience with the whole “dress for your shape” phenomenon began around age 12. My mom, or aunt, or someone in the fam, complained of short waist. Huh? As compared to what? My twelve-year old self wanted to know. Some denim designer who decided armpit high belt loops were cool? (It was the 80s.)
Didn’t take long to figure (pun – sadly – intended) out that my figure, regardless its shape, had one issue or another that needed to be remedied through whatever yahoo du jour was proselytizing fashion figure tips to women en masse. Especially come bathing suit season.
Sucks you in!
I dunno, but sucking myself in is not my idea of suiting myself. Nor is adding cleavage, creating a waist, or downplaying my shoulders.
My idea of Suit Yourself is just that. Bare your muffin top. Rock your football shoulders. Jiggle your beautiful belly and fuck the fashion police this summer.
And though I never made it to Sandra Bullock’s story, I think she’d agree with me.